Friday, March 30, 2012

Read this, i promise that it will somewhat (i hope) entertain you. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND IF YOU

The rooster crowed loudly and signaled the beginning of another day. It was dark out but that was to be expected on a farm like ours. An early start in the morning and late nights before resting peacefully in our beds was always our routine in my somewhat Amish family.



I yawned and tumbled out of my bed to the small candle that sat on the far corner of my old oak desk. Carefully lighting a match, I caught the small wick on fire and my cupboard of a room was instantly illuminated. Brilliant shadows danced on my wooden walls. It was as if a tiny world inhabited of people made entirely of flame danced along to some ritual song that was silent to the people in my world.



Each step I took towards the small that contained all my clothes made my moan with distaste. Opening it, I took out my favorite green work dress, black apron, and equally as black bonnet. I could smell the delicious bacon that my Mama was cooking in the kitchen as I got dressed. Why hadn鈥檛 she waked me this morning鈥?



It was my responsibility to help out in the kitchen and with all the other womanly duties here in this household and I had slept late! Now in a rush, I slid into my dress and pulled on my 1800鈥檚 style boots, lacing up the laces quickly. I ran into the kitchen with the greatest of haste, even though it was just a few paces away from my bedroom door.



Mama didn鈥檛 seem to notice my late arrival for she did not look up from her bowl of flapjack mix that she was currently stirring. I strode over to her with the greatest of ease I could manage and kissed her cheek.



鈥淪orry, Mama. I didn鈥檛 mean to sleep late. Is there anything that needs to be done?鈥?br> She looked up at me with a vibrant smile.



鈥淣o, dear child. I purposely let you sleep late. You鈥檚 been workin鈥?so hard lately that I figured a growin鈥?seventeen-year-old girl like yourself could use her rest.鈥?br> My face fell from a slight smile to a full on frown.



鈥淢ama, you shouldn鈥檛 have done that. I have my work to do arou-鈥? She cut me off there.



鈥淗ush your mouth. I鈥檚 the mom and I know what is best for ya. One morning鈥?of letting鈥?you sleep late ain鈥檛 gonna hurt you none.鈥?I gave up because I knew she was right and that she would win this 鈥渁rgument鈥?no matter how much more I protested. She was too good at being a mom; after all, she had been one for nearly twenty-five years.



It was quiet for a few minutes. Mama was the first to break the silence.



鈥淚 see you forgot to brush that matted mess of an excuse for hair again.鈥?she said while nodding towards my head. My hands flew to my skull and felt the hair beneath the bonnet and also the several strands sticking out from under it. It was indeed, matted and messy.



鈥淥ops, Mama. I鈥檒l be back right quick!鈥?I said while running to my bedroom. The tiny reflection glass that hung from my wall was in poor condition but adequate. In a few moments, my hair was in a respectable bun underneath my bonnet that was placed back in its rightful position atop my head.



Mama was finished with the flapjack mix and was finished with about six of them when I returned into the kitchen. I was so busy arguing with Mama earlier that I hadn鈥檛 even noticed my Grandmother sitting at our small wooden table cutting up various pieces of fruit to make a lovely side dish to our meal.



鈥淣ana!鈥?I squealed all too loudly. Mama turned to face me; her eyes stern but understanding. I ran to my Grandmother, threw my arms around her neck, and squeezed gently.



鈥淕ood to see you too, darlin鈥?鈥?she said while patting the arm that was wrapped around the front of her neck. A hearty laugh escaped from her old and fragile form. Loosening my grip, I let my arms fall from her neck to the bowl of fruit on the table and stole a fresh strawberry. She slapped my wrist lightly and stared up at me; her gray eyes full of joy. When she was sure Mama wasn鈥檛 looking, she slid a second strawberry into my hand and smiled mischievously. I smiled back, just as mischievously, and popped a strawberry into my mouth.



Mama looked up from her several pots and pans filled with a great variety of different things and said, 鈥淟eah, dear. Please set the table. Your Paw and brothers are heading this way and I know鈥檚 that they鈥檚 goin鈥?to be hungry.鈥?I winked and as swift as a jackrabbit, set the table.



Read this, i promise that it will somewhat (i hope) entertain you. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND IF YOU WANT MORE

It was slightly boring actually. If this is the very beginning of the book, you should try to find something to really catch the reader's attention. It was also, a lot of talk for a small amount of things happening. Try to think of it like your watching it as a movie. If there are too many words, the action might go like this:.



A rooster crows. You wait five seconds. You see a girl. She is waking up. She lies there for a couple of seconds before hopping out of bed suddenly. She goes to to a desk. She lights a candle and looks at t for ten seconds.



Just try to get rid of just a little bit of you description, not too much though, because it is beautiful! You clearly have a talent for writing and just need to sharpen it slightly.



Read this, i promise that it will somewhat (i hope) entertain you. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND IF YOU WANT MORE

oops. i accidentally put the wrong comment.



ok. Report It



Read this, i promise that it will somewhat (i hope) entertain you. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND IF YOU WANT MORE

Huh? What's it about?



Read this, i promise that it will somewhat (i hope) entertain you. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND IF YOU WANT MORE

A well told story is one that instantly brings the setting and characters vividly into your mind. Well done so far, but I'm curious as to where the story goes...



I was confused about one segment:



'Each step I took towards the small that contained all my clothes made my moan with distaste.'



At first, I thought of floorboards moaning, but I think I've missed the point. Can you help me here?



Read this, i promise that it will somewhat (i hope) entertain you. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND IF YOU WANT MORE

Pretty good so far, and I would like to here more.

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