What do you think of the opening of my story? Should I continue it?

At the brink of dawn, I laid face up staring through the transparent darkness in a dingy hotel bed. A gentle breeze from the adjacent window slithered through my wild chocolate hair and scattered pieces of hair in random directions around my head, as I pondered many thoughts. Is this the cost of losing innocence, I thought, with my head pounding from the effect of tequila shots, with my exposed body probably on a you tube video? Is it worth it losing my virginity to a man I only know by face, and not by the contents of his soul? Is it worth losing my reputation as the pure overachiever, as promiscuous ways overpowers purity? Well, I'm tired of being so pure and innocent. To me, it shelters me from the real world, and the last thing I want to be is ignorant of the world, the last thing I want to be is a boring girl with no life-

All of a sudden, the receiver of my virginity groaned and stirred, as the smell of alcohol and remains of cologne seemed to escape his sweaty body. I looked at him to see if he was awake, and unfortunately he was. His stormy eyes met my eyes of dark amber as he ran his hands through his greasy raven hair, burning in lust.

Then, as he stretched as he wrapped his arms around me and said, " Hey babe."

What do you think of the opening of my story? Should I continue it?

Just as Persiphone has said, your creation needs to be edited to lose the redundancy of phrase and word. Key phrases and words that you've used ought not to be repeated on the same page. Find different ways to express your scene.

You show well the imagery of the moment. Focus on that which ought to capitalized, such as YouTube and when you ask a question--whether it be as a thought or in oral projection, include the question mark.

To be redundant here, watch for those key phrases and words that are repeated, crying for a different way to express the thought.

What do you think of the opening of my story? Should I continue it?

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What do you think of the opening of my story? Should I continue it?

It is OK. A little repetitive, but OK. Finish it and then go back and edit it. Pax-C

What do you think of the opening of my story? Should I continue it?

There'a stark,poetic ring to this that i think you should devlope. Try out similies in a slightly different way so that it doesn't look as if you're trying to hard,for example,"transparent darkness" doesn't work as well as "gloomy,damp darkness" you see? But that's how we learn,Baby,by doing and you're brave to try writing out.I think,with a little more effort,you'll find your "voice"and really soar.You need to finish this one